STAY AT HOME MUM vs WORKING MUM

Hey Lovlies,

I hope you’re all doing well. You may not realise, but it’s been a year since I became a stay at home mum (a whole year!!!). It’s hard to believe that only a year a go I resigned and went from working mum to stay at home mum.

I have avoided to speak of this topic because I know just how personal and sensitive this topic is for many parents . However, I feel that maybe it will help someone out there. I have been on both sides of the spectrum, so I can relate to the opposing views. This may be a long one so grub your cuppa and relax.

Here goes…

Happy You, Happy family.

I’m sure you’ve heard this saying before. So WHATEVER you decided make sure it’s what’s best for YOU. THINK YOU. It’s not selfish, it’s important.

After playgroup with my daughter, Isabelle

Pros of working

• Adult interaction – need I say more?
• Financial independence – need I say more?
• Dressing smart- need I say more?
• I had little time to focus on any bulls*** outside of worklife
• Valued every single second I had with my children

Cons of working

Personally, I had two main cons. There were other things but these two were the ones I struggled with immensely.

• Boss may not be very understanding. Sick days can be very tricky. I remember feeling so poorly, I forced myself to get to work because I wanted to save my sick days for when my children were sick.
• Missing out on milestones, school plays etc… This was the hardest for me.

Pros of stay at home mum

• Spending lots of time with your children. What’s more to say?

Cons of stay at home mum

• Your new boss will be your baby/toddler- so if working mums thinks they have it hard with their bosses… well does your boss cry because they are tired???
• Procrastination

 

Children will be fine

I went back to work when Isabelle was only six months old. It was the hardest decision of my life. I remember being at work and I thought I could hear my baby cry. It was the strangest thing. I am very protective of my children. Apart from their dad, I don’t ever leave my kids with ANYONE unless it’s aaaaaaaaaaaabsoultely necessary. Mainly because people can treat your children so different in your absence. Their emotional well-being is so important to me, so I don’t like leaving my children. I can’t bear the thought of someone maltreating my child in my absence. I guess this is drawn from my own experience being away from my parents the first 10 years of my life. People can be mean, even  especially FAMILY.

So just imagine how I felt leaving Isabelle, six months old, with total strangers to take care of her in a nursery/daycare. I had nightmares weeks leading up to it. I had a friend spy on them when she went to ask about nursery for her child. Her positive feedback was reassuring.

I can say for the most part that if it’s your child/children you are worried about, they will be fine*. Isabelle coped incredibly well. She was fond of the nursery manager. The nursery was less than a 2 min walk from work, so I was nearby in case they needed me for anything.

Park time

Career goals

Now, one of the things that made it a bit easier for me to leave my job was my role. My job role was a general office role. Any job nowadays is hard to come by I know, however, it was a job and not a career. I’m I making sense? I didn’t feel invested in it to not let go.

However, if I had been in a career which I felt I worked very long and hard to get to my position- I think I would be writing a different post right now if I’m honest. That’s the brutal truth.

Having said that, I bumped into a former work colleague who was older than me. When I told her I quit my job, she was happy for me. She had older children of her own. She said something to me that stuck. She to told me to enjoy the early years with the children as I will never get that time back. She went on to say that I’m still young and have plenty of years ahead of me to work. Her words melted my worries about my decision to stay at home and still what motivates me to make the most of my time with them now.

I had to doodle to distract myself… it’s 1am

Financial

Hmmm where do I begin. If like me you didn’t save a lump sum of money to allow you to live comfortably should you decide to not go back to work… then. You. Are. In. For. A. Rough. Ride my friend. Reality is financially things will be tight. You have to budget wisely. Took me a while for it to sink in, I was spending like I was working. Truth is every little counts right now. I have to budget, plan and save for things like holidays. I use a lot of my disposable income to put my son into extra curriculum activities. It means we can’t spontaneously have a family getaways. Budgeting is crucial if you decide to stay at home. Personally, it’s a small price to pay.

Another thing to think about is childcare. If you are in the UK, I’m sure you would understand. This played a massive role in my decision. Majority of my income was paying for childcare. So ultimately, I was paying for someone to look after my children. Literally. Maybe I would’ve made that sacrifice and carried on working if I had an established career.

Common Misconceptions

Working mums may think that stay at home mum is the easy life, but let me tell you it’s not. SAHM don’t necessarily have more time to do chores. My toddler wants my attention, or she’s clingy because she’s tired or she’s crying in the middle of an important phone call. I still do my chores after I put my children to bed. I’m writing this blog at 12 am because I can’t write in the day with my daughter. She is too distracting.

SAHM refer to themselves as full time mum? Working mums are not part time mums. Mum hat never comes off. I find it insulting when SAHM refer to themselves as full time mums. It makes no sense.

days out

So as you can see, you can’t have it all. You win some. You loose some. At the minute, I am pretty confident with my decision. I have friends who are working mums and some who are not. Each to their own. No decision is wrong. It’s only right for YOU.

The goal is to have a happy life for you and your family.

* I am not a genie and I can’t perform miracles so please do research your childcare provider and take necessary precautions :-).

All the best

Nessa

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I feel stupid around my 5 year old

Hey lovielies,

I remember when Isaiah was born, watching him develop and explore was such an exciting experience for me. I couldn’t wait to see him sit, crawl, stand, walk and especially talk. TALK. OVERRATED.

Isaiah was a slow talker and I couldn’t wait to be able to hold a conversation with him. Now I can’t stop him from talking and asking ‘why’. He sounds like a broken record. Repetitive and full of curiosity. He is constantly asking why, why why why. Many of his questions are beyond my comprehension and at times leave me feeling just stupid to be honest.

A few questions my 5 year old asked:  

• Why do we need to fart?
• Why don’t we eat the skin of the watermelon?
• Where do babies come from?
• Why do people die?
• Why are some people poor?
• Why did God flood the world? Why did he not forgive the people?
• What happens when you die?
• Why can’t I have a brother?
• Why should I bath?
• Why should I brush my teeth?
• Why are they doing roadworks?
• Why is it not my birthday?
• How come I have to go to bed now and you don’t?
• Why is a tree made of wood?

ETC…

I am left perplexed majority of the time. He thinks I should know everything. He gets frustrated sometimes when I am not able to answer, ‘mummy, you don’t know anything’. Then I realise, actually, there is a lot of simple things in life that I actually don’t know.

I think this stage offers the both of us a great opportunity to increase our knowledge.  At times I am very creative with the truth. Sometimes I feel it’s necessary to preserve his innocence for much longer. However, I also want him understanding the real world around him and not let him live in a bubble. It can be very tricky to balance and a struggle I am yet to overcome. What do I hold back and what should I tell him?

Thankfully there is google and siri. So everytime he asks a tricky question that I can’t answer, I tell him to write it down in his notebook. Then we can research it together. I think it will be fun, because even I want to know why we fart.

 

Nessa

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Confessing one of my biggest parenting failure

Ever witnessed your toddler eat his bogie or a piece of paper but will not try the food you have put your heart and soul into cooking? If that doesn’t crush you, I don’t know what will.

I’m sure many parents can relate when I talk about how we all imagined mealtimes to be a fun and stress free time with the children. Unfortunately that has not been the case for me with both my children.

To make matters worse, you meet the occasional idiot who will say ‘ she’s tiny, does she eat?’. Ideally my answer should be ‘no of course not, child cruelty is my thing, I just starve her!’. But instead I reply politely, yes she does.

I didn’t expect it to be so difficult. Isaiah was (and still is) an absolute nightmare when it comes to food (clearly doesn’t take after me) and now I am noticing that Isabelle is not far behind. I have tried the ‘if you’re not eating, then you’re not eating anything’. Here’s how it all worked out:

Sad to admit that I am the parent the caves in and give them what I know they are likely to eat rather than the tough love. Here’s why:

Scenario 1

Isaiah, both of my children for that matter eat really well up until they are a little over a year old. Then I notice the fussy eating slowly creeping in. I always try the tough love thing but unfortunately my kids are unbelievably hard headed- I can’t get through. I researched and asked around and received so many tips… yet still nothing seemed to work.

His fussy eating was so bad, that when he started full time nursery he refused to eat school lunch for over a month before he tried jacket potatoes (and that’s all he eats at lunch till today!) His teachers were even worried.

Scenario two

I would cook what I think was lovely food. I will go shopping, prepare the food and almost certain that they will absolutely love it. I will sometimes even buy new plates, cutlery and dish it out oh so beautifully and at that point feeling like Mary Poppins, which is immediately popped with the statement ‘I’m not even hungry mummy, I don’t like that’.

Scenario three

At one point he would not eat any food with color! Literally he would only eat plain rice and refuse to eat sauce. I think for two years I fed him creamy pasta and oil rice (recipe soon come) for dinner.

Scenario four

One of the tips I got was to get him involved with the cooking. Bad idea in my household. After he noticed that I use onions and tomatoes to make the stew, although he enjoyed the cooking session, he was absolutely adamant that he doesn’t like the food because it has tomatoes and onions in them – D’oh!!!

Any parent with a fussy eater cannot stress enough on just how frustrating it is to have a fussy eater.  I have been left in tears feeling like a failure. I just did not know what to do and still clueless to be honest.

However, the one advice that I think may have worked with mine is to not show frustration and not force him/them to eat. I try (because I get upset every now and again) to remain calm and take the food away without making a fuss. I kept being patient and kept presenting the food to him.

Now over the last year, I have noticed that foods he hated like ‘chicken’ he currently loves! He can eat a bucket of chicken if I let him. He hated apples, I kept buying them and he saw me eating them, now he likes apple. He hated milk, but after watching his peers drink milk at school, he finally tried it and told me he ‘likes it but not all the time’. If you had told me a year ago that he will give milk a try, I would’ve laughed in your face.

Personally, I think their taste buds change over time along with their minds. I believe being consistent, and having a range of food around him really helped. I kept dishing the veg or chicken on his plate, he ate around it and I kept taking away the rest. Eventually, magic happened when I didn’t give up. I am hoping that they will eventually eat a rainbow of food in the future.

So if you’re a mum with a fussy eater, you are not alone! Fussy eating is a common pitfall. Websites such as:  http://www.childfeedingguide.co.uk have some useful tips. Try all the advice and see which one sticks. Clearly, some of the tips did not work for me and my kids but it may work for you. Let’s keep pushing, cooking and hopefully it will all change.

Nessa

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I miss you dear friend

Let me tell you about a friend I have lost and it’s all my fault and I’m not sure if I could ever get that friend back. We used to be so close that others envied us- if I may say so myself. We were at our peak during my teenage years. We used to spend at least 8 hours together and whenever I desired really.

We spent time together in many places like on the bus, at a park, at work, school and mostly on my bed! My friend never shied away to come wherever I went  and I was always more than happy to take her along.

Then after having my children, our friendship broke down. Completely now! I spent last night almost in tears because for some reason my children don’t love you like I do. I don’t understand why because you are so kind, and so good for us.

So if you truly love me then why won’t you try harder with my precious night ninjas? Our friendship has changed and I don’t know how to cope to be quite honest. I am so moody without you. So are my children but they will never admit it! I have suddenly become this walking zombie. My skin is breaking out. I am always snapping and I don’t know when I will ever get to spend enough time together with you again. I’m not coping well without you. I get frustrated easily.  So what do you say we try again? Huh sleep? I love you and miss you so much!

Your once sane friend

Nessa

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Breastfeeding confessions

Let me begin by saying that I am a huge advocate breastfeeding. I think it’s a personal choice, but I firmly believe that if you are able to breastfeed then it’s the best option for your baby and you (as if you haven’t heard that before).

I breastfed both of my children. I breast fed my firstborn till he was nearly two and my daughter till she was 13 months. Honestly, I think if I didn’t fall sick leaving me to stay away for a few days, I don’t know how long it would have gone on for. Breastfeeding felt natural.  However, it does come with it’s challenges, and your girl is about to spill the beans.

1. Wave bye bye to breast and hello food

Your child has zero sense of privacy or modesty. My son was glued to my boob from day one. He breastfed so often, that I actually forgot that my boobs were boobs. My boobs were food. I found myself in very awkward places where I had to nurse. I didn’t give a damn. I will whip my boobs out and throw it in my baby’s mouth totally forgetting my surroundings. If it wasn’t for all the attention on breastfeeding in public, I wouldn’t have known that it was an issue. The talk about  on breastfeeding in public made me more cautious when breastfeeding, that I purchased a nursing apron to cover myself second time round. By the way once your baby out grows the apron, and baby is able to take the breast out by themselves – you just have to get used to it and so does the world.

2. Clothing gets complicated and so does everything you consume

The headings tell it all. There isn’t much sense of freedom. I have to think about what I’m wearing when leaving the house. Certain dressed have uneasy access to allow breastfeeding. I couldn’t take hay fever tables. The restrictions are much like pregnancy.

3. Stopping can be confusing and painful

Let’s face it, breast feeding can be extremely exhausting.  When I decided that I wanted to stop breastfeeding, I really didn’t know how to do it. The struggle for me both times was how to stop breastfeeding. There are many information out there about breastfeeding, but not much on what to do when you decide to stop.

One of the advice I got was to put something bitter like coffee to deter baby from breastfeeding. It didn’t work for me by the way. After getting ill, and being away from him, I was able to stop breastfeeding.

But when I decided to stop breastfeeding my daughter, it was difficult. She became so attached to breastfeeding that she refused to eat anything. I was exhausted and juggling that with my older child just added a layer of complexity. I had enough, so I stopped cold turkey! Can we have a moment to understand how painful it was? It was awful. Absolutely awwwwwful. My breast were engorged for a while. It lasted about two weeks for me. It was so uncomfortable that I’m cringing as I type. Awful experience. Will not recommend. I read advice such as putting a cold cabbage on my breast to help- did not help ME.

I think the better option is to replace a feed and slowly phase out breastfeeding. It could apparently take up to six weeks if you have the patience. Unfortunately I didn’t.

All in all, it’s a small price to pay for the benefits of breastfeeding. Would I recommend it? Absolutely! I would do it again (breastfeeding that is, not stopping cold turkey) should I have another child. The benefits of breastfeeding far outweighs the challenges in my opinion. Although, speak to your health visitor if you choose or are thinking about breastfeeding to get advice about what to do when you decide to stop.

 

Nessa

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Small Prints I wish I had known

I love being a mum. I would not change it for the world. I have been blessed with two beautiful, healthy and truly happy children. Of course, it goes without saying that it comes with some challenges.

Isaiah went to stay at his cousins for the night… He is usually the problem in the morning. He wakes up with all sorts of demands, Belle usually on the other hand is flexible. I was REALLY looking forward to my relaxing morning, not having to get out of bed early and getting him ready for football, then groceries shopping. The list goes on.

However, that morning, Belle was up early, cranky and inconsolable.  She was up at 4am, cried, moaned, and refused to go back to sleep (maybe due to teething). Hence my relaxing, Sunday morning came to an abrupt end.

This got me thinking, being a mum or a parent of that matter comes with small prints that you only realise through experience. So I thought I would share my personal challenges to offer a better insight into the day-to-day challenges of being a mummy.

Before work, I have to complete the task of: getting myself and the children ready. Simple right? Okay let me get into it . In theory, it seems so easy. But in reality it just doesn’t run that smooth. I usually feed Belle, then get ready, however one morning she refused to eat. After getting ready, I thought to give the feeding another try. Bad idea. Terrible idea. She must have not been hungry, as I pick the bowl to feed her, Belle decided to smack the bowl out of my hands and all over my work clothes and on herself. I had 15 minutes to be out of the door, meanwhile my older child, Isaiah is refusing to eat his porridge (I usually have to spoon feed him his porridge every morning to make sure he eats everything!). Okay, so let’s go over it, I have 15 minutes to be out of the door. I have to get new work outfit (includes ironing), change Belle and make sure my son finishes his porridge. Oh not forgetting that Belle by that time has been up for 2 and a half hours and is tired and cranky.

At that moment, I felt this rush of stress and frustration. But the show must go on. If I sit there feeling sorry for myself, wasting more time, I would be late for work. My manager does not give a damn. I am expected to be at work on time, ready to work. To their credit, they have a business to run, it’s not personal.  After all that, I managed to get ready out the door and at work on time and dive straight into working mode.

I have come to realise that the simple things are actually not so simple. Bathing the child every night may seem simple, but when you have a 5 years old boy who thinks he’s allergic to water. Making a thousand excuses for not getting in the bath night after night. It can drain you.

Or the classic get your baby ready; you are just about to get out of the door, but they decide to do a big fat poo staining their clothes. So you have to clean and change them before your second attempt to leave the house.

Or when your five-year old decides in the middle of a long queue that he desperately needs a ‘weewee’ so you have to drop everything and attend to his needs, because let’s face it, the other option is to let him wet himself in the middle of the shop floor(he will). You just have to move past it and get on with it.

Being a mum, regardless of being a working or staying at home mum is more than meets the eye. Strength is not letting the challenges you face on the daily basis be so obvious. Strength is not cracking under pressure and being resilient. You will fall, it’s not a smooth track but an exciting and fortunate roller coaster. Know and understand that life is not picking on you. There are many others out there experiencing the same challenges you are facing. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s all part of the job, you just have to be aware and accept the small prints.

Share your challenges and spread the word.

 

Nessa

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